Memories of the way we were

I got out some home videos today of when Maggie was born through 6 months. I have a few observations that stemmed from watching these videos.
1) I need to purchase a device that stops time. I can’t believe that was 3 years ago. I also would like this machine to make it possible to go back in time so I can cuddle and kiss a 3 month old Maggie and 2 yr old Jacob. They were so precious then. Not that they aren’t now, they just are capable of smarting off now and they weren’t then.
2) I don’t think I gave/give myself more credit for the job I have done with them. I am constantly feeling guilty trying to balance time spent with them during the day, but also getting house stuff done that seems to be never ending. From the videos, I was doing a good job. A really good job. I don’t know why I beat myself up like I do. I’m constantly telling myself I should do more with them. I think I do more than I allow myself to believe. I believe my mom told me this is called “Mother Guilt. “
3) I could have 5 more babies. Oh my gracious, I LOVE babies. Whether or not I have anymore, I’m perfectly content with my two now, but Lord have mercy, I so miss having a baby. Hands down my favorite part of motherhood is taking care of those precious angels when they need you so much. I love the smell of them, their sounds, their itty bitty hands and feet. MMMMM.
4) I love my husband. I think he’s a better dad then I give him credit for. I think one of the qualities I liked in him when we were dating was that he could be like a kid and that has paid off as he was singing all the Wiggles songs while playing play doh with Jacob. I somehow managed to catch quite a few really sentimental moments on video and I love that he holds those moments as closely to his heart as I do. I need to do a better job seeing those things and not looking for the times he’s not playing with them.
The 5th and final thing I observed is that oh my goodness I need to relax more. Someone give that lady a chill pill. I think this goes back into that “mother guilt” thing my mom once told me about. How when a woman becomes a mother, something changes in her DNA that she can’t help. She will always worry did her child eat enough that day, did they eat too much, did they have a bowel movement, are they happy, am I disciplining them adequately, are they going to grow up to be productive citizens and make this world a better place, Will they ever know how much they are loved, Will I ever stop worrying about them when they are not in my presence, what would I do to someone if I thought they might harm my child. So on second thought, there probably isn’t a chill pill for moms. Because I believe that is one of the mysteries that God made in mothers. He knew that we would stand up to a grizzly bear if it meant protecting our child. Sure we may come out of that battle with some wounds, but it would be worth it. So I guess in a way, that low level of anxiety that is always present is our battle wound for becoming a mom. One that I wear proudly.

Summer is coming to an end

Well, my last post revealed all the things I hoped to accomplish this summer. Most of those plans were thwarted by a bum gall bladder that had to be removed right around the beginning of June. Our vacation was also, coincidentally, scheduled for that same time. We were supposed to go to Baltimore to see my cousin get married but I wasn't feeling good following the surgery. I knew something was up b/c I'm usually very quick to recover from things. I was up and about after 2 c sections once we came home from the hospital. This was different though.

I hated that Rick was scheduled off and since we weren't going on vacation he would ultimately go back to work if we weren't going on vacation. And I just didn't have the heart to let him go back, so I thought I was well enough to go to the beach for a few days. We headed down to Destin, extremely spur of the moment. Woke up Monday and said, hey I feel good today. Wanna go to the beach? 10 hours later we were pulling up to our condo. The first couple of days went ok and we had a great time. The kids loved the beach even more than last year. They both made friends and at one point, Rick and I were sitting there alone on the beach while they were both off playing with their new friends. This was quite a contrast from last year when the kids were hanging on us for dear life.

By Wednesday night, I started feeling bad. Thursday morning I was not moving around like I was the previous days and was having pain at the incision cite. When I woke up Friday morning it was clear that I had strep throat. When I tried to drink anything if felt like crushed up razor blades going down my throat. I didn’t eat or drink much of anything for a few days. I was throwing up, fever, chills, and my incision (which had gone from uncomfortable to extremely painful) was now draining an unidentifiable liquid. I knew something was attacking my body. We were paid up until Saturday so I just thought, if I can just make it one more day. I was so dehydrated on Saturday that I forced myself to drink 3 bottles of water on the way back and I never went to the bathroom. I’m not a nurse or doctor, by my guess is my body was taking in every single ounce of water I gave it. On Sunday when I woke up, the liquid that was oozing from my incision was now a yellow greenish color. Again, I’m not a doctor, but that can’t be good. I called the on call Dr, which happened to by my surgeon and he told me to head straight to the ER. They did all kinds of tests to find out that I had strep throat, and a staph and strep infection in my incision. They were also testing me for MRSA, but that was negative. I had to be admitted to the hospital so they could get the infection to stop spreading. I had a rash on my stomach that had spread in the 2 hours I was at the ER.

I tell you, I’m not saying that I want to go back to the hospital any time soon, but it was nice to be able to just heal with no one to take care of. Instead people were there to take care of me?? Wow, that was nice. In a really weird way, it was nicer than going to the beach. I got to watch what I wanted, napped when I wanted, they brought me food. Uh, yeah, this is the kind of vacation moms need every once in a while. But do we really need a staph infection to get it?

I thought it I would recover by the next day since I had IV fluids and antibiotics, but no such luck. I didn’t feel remotely better until Tuesday evening. By Wednesday I was feeling more like my normal self and talked to the dr into letting me go home that night. It was nice to be back in my own room and to be around my babies. All this to say, I couldn’t get into any water until the incision closed, which turned out to be mid July. This means I missed out on a month’s worth of swimming. I was bummed about that. That’s all I can blog for today. I will post the rest of the summer’s activities another day.